CTE in Football

 CTE in Football

***The title needs something more descriptive than "Football Disease." It doesn't tell the reader anything about what the passage is about. In fact, football disease could mean anything. That's why it is important to be specific and detailed. The new title "CTE in Football" gives a different light to the passage. The reader now knows what the passage will be talking about.; Football Disease


Football is a very dangerous sport that involves with uncountable injuries.

However, one serious injury can cause brain cell damage and death: Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE, a degenerative brain disease that affects the brain over time.
***I decided to combine these two sentences since they are both short and simple. The first sentence remained to same then a colon was added to reveal what this injury is and what it does.; However, one serious injury can cause brain cell damage and death. Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy(CTE) is a degenerative brain disease that affects the brain over time.

Football players receive repetitive blows to the head causing dead brain cells.
***I omitted "for example" because it seemed out of place in the sentence. The transition phrase didn't need to be there and the sentence as a whole did not need one.; For example, football players receive repetitive blows to the head causing dead brain cells.

Scientists said, "Of the 111 study subjects who'd played for the NFL, all but one had CTE." 
***I omitted "with hard evidence" from the sentence. It seemed silly to say. All there needs to be is just "Scientists say." We know they have the evidence. And what is supposed to be "hard" about the evidence? And would the audience reading this consider the evidence to be "hard?" Also, whenever you quote in the way you did, always put a comma after "said."
; Scientists with hard evidence said " Of the 111 study subjects who'd played for the NFL, all but one had CTE." 

When CTE accumulates the symptoms include: memory loss, dementia, confusion, depression, and behavioral problems.

Thus, people who have more concussions and head injuries will get this unfortunate disease.

Source: http://www.popsci.com/CTE-football-NFL-new-study
Edited by Michael Morrow



CTE in Football

Football is a very dangerous sport that involves uncountable injuries. However, one serious injury can cause brain cell damage and death: Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE, a degenerative brain disease that affects the brain over time. Football players receive repetitive blows to the head causing dead brain cells. Scientists said, "Of the 111 study subjects who'd played for the NFL, all but one had CTE."  When CTE accumulates the symptoms include: memory loss, dementia, confusion, depression, and behavioral problems. Thus, people who have more concussions and head injuries will get this unfortunate disease.

Source: http://www.popsci.com/CTE-football-NFL-new-study